Close Enough to Perfect
by MoonytheMarauder1
Summary: It's hard, sometimes, for Remus to feel like he is free to be himself. It's hard for Sirius to understand this, though he does his best. Wolfstar. Trans!Remus, non-binary!James. Warnings for slightly graphic injury, and some transphobia


**A/N: Hey y'all! This was written for Hogwarts. Other prompts listed below. :)**

 **Home Economics & Domestic Magic Task 4: tending to someone's wounds**

 **Word Count: 2994**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Those rights go to JK Rowling.**

 **Please note: I'm changing Rodolphus' age to fit the fic—he's Remus and Sirius' age in this :)**

 **WARNINGS: Strong transphobia, mentioned violence with semi-graphic results, language, mentioned discrimination towards a trans and a non-binary character. I have no personal experience about any of this, so please PM me if something is off. As always, accuracy means a lot to me, especially with representation.**

 **Enjoy!**

Remus winced as James dabbed at the cut on his cheek with a cloth, then frowned when he saw it come away red. He didn't move though—James looked angry enough to murder the next person who crossed them, whether it was Remus or not.

"Remus," James said in a hard voice, "this has to stop. You need to tell Sirius—he can put a stop to this."

Remus shook his head, trying to ignore the flash of pain in his head at the movement. "No. I can take care of this myself. I don't need to involve him."

James took a step back and crossed their arms. "He's your boyfriend. He has a right to know that—that those _people_ keep hurting you."

They were in Remus' flat, and James was not happy with him. Remus couldn't blame them. Breaking up a fight to that extent couldn't have been fun.

James came over and tilted his face, so he could continue cleaning Remus' wounds. His neck was aching at the odd angle, but he let James work. "You know that Sirius will… overreact."

James ran a hand through their hair in agitation, making the black locks messier than they usually were. "That's not overreacting. That's retaliating. And the only reason I haven't told him yet is because I know he'd be stupid enough to take them all on alone. Meaning, without me."

"It's just a couple punches, James," Remus said quietly.

Their hazel eyes were incredulous. "You can't honestly think that this is okay. That it's something that can continue."

Remus didn't say anything. He feared that this was a sign telling him that he couldn't do this—that he wasn't doing it correctly. He was male, he knew. But some of the world didn't see that. All he wanted was to be seen the way he felt.

James sighed. "Remus, this can't go on. This is the third time this has happened, and I don't want to see you get hurt."

"I know," Remus murmured. "It won't happen again, James. I'll… I'll tell him."

James didn't look convinced, but they didn't say anything more on the matter. They just finished wiping the blood off Remus' face in silence. "I'm going to get some ice for those bruises," they told Remus after a moment. "Don't go anywhere, okay, mate?"

Remus nodded, biting his lip. His head was pounding, and he knew one of his amber eyes was swollen shut. Nothing had been broken, thankfully—the attack had just been meant to scare him from his way of life. But it went so much deeper than that. It was his very identity they were trying to make him fear, and he hated to admit that, sometimes, late in theat night, it worked.

* * *

Later that night, Remus was reading a book in his favorite armchair. He was huddled under a blanket in the flat he and Sirius shared, waiting for his lover to come home. He wasn't looking forward to coming clean about his injuries, but James was right—Sirius deserved to know.

He rubbed a scraped-up hand over his eyes and took a deep breath. This was Sirius. He could tell him anything.

Just then, he heard the door open. "Love, I'm home!"

Remus cleared his throat before responding. "I'm in the sitting room!"

Sirius came in, grinning. His long, dark hair was partially pulled back, some strands falling in his face. He made his way over to Remus, shrugging off his leather jacket as he did so. Remus let his boyfriend pull him into a hug, wrapping his arms tightly around the other man. His arms and ribs were smarting, but he didn't care. In that moment, it felt _so good_ to be held.

"Sirius… I have something to tell you."

Sirius dug his fingers into Remus' brown hair, humming a little. "Yeah?"

"You remember a few weeks ago, when I told you I fell down the stairs? And the time before that, when I said I tripped and hit my head on the counter?"

Sirius tried to pull back to get a good look at Remus' face—the light was dim—but Remus pulled him closer. "Remus—"

"Those things didn't happen. I ran into… someone's fist."

Sirius wrenched himself out of Remus' grip and grabbed his face, tilting it from side to side. "Oh, Remus," he breathed. Then his grey eyes hardened. "Who did this? I'll—"

"You're not going to do anything," Remus snapped. "I can take care of myself. I'm only telling you because James thinks you should know."

Sirius reeled back. "Because _James_ thinks I should know? You weren't going to tell me?"

Remus closed his eyes. He loved Sirius, but he sometimes felt that the other man was too quick to jump to his rescue. "I'm not some damsel in distress, Sirius," he said lowly, hyper aware of the binder around his chest. "I don't need you to come and save me."

"I'm only defending you—"

"I _punched back,_ " Remus hissed, his eyes flying open. "They didn't escape unscathed. Whenever I tell you these things, you rush in and try to protect me, but I don't need you to—"

"Oh, so you don't need me." Sirius' voice was cold.

"That's not what I said," Remus growled. He knew that Sirius had had issues with his family in the past, with not only his sexuality but his belief that everyone was equal. He'd been the only open-minded person in a family of bigots, and had been disowned for it. Remus knew that feeling needed was very important to Sirius, but he wanted his boyfriend to understand that he could defend himself.

"But you always do this, Remus," Sirius shouted, throwing his hands in the air. "Whenever I try to help or support you, you shoot me down. We're _partners_ , not two blokes living together."

Sirius stormed away, shrugging his jacket back on. He took his key from his pocket and headed towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Remus asked, cursing himself for feeling the way he did.

"Out," barked SIrius. "And for heaven's sake, put some ice on your face."

The door slammed behind him, and Remus sank back into his chair.

* * *

It was nearly one in the morning when Sirius came back.

Remus was in their bed, lights out, but still wide awake. He heard the door to their bedroom open and quickly closed his eyes.

"Remus?" Sirius called softly. "Are you awake?"

Remus didn't respond. He heard Sirius sigh. "I know you're awake. Come on, can I get in bed?"

Remus edged away from the middle of the bed, consenting to share his sleeping space but not deigning to speak to the other man.

There was some rustling as Sirius undressed and slid under the duvet.

"Goodnight, Remus," he murmured, settling down.

Remus was slightly comforted by the familiar heat of his lover's body, but he still couldn't fall asleep. After several minutes, he whispered, "Sirius?"

"Huh? Yeah, Remus?"

Remus swallowed thickly. "Do you think of me as a boy?"

"You're twenty-one, Remus. I think that qualifies as a man."

Remus turned over to face Sirius, shaking him awake; he needed his full attention. "I need you to answer this honestly."

Sirius opened his eyes blearily. "Of course I think of you as a boy. Why wouldn't I?"

Remus turned his head away. "I hate my body," he whispered. "Why couldn't it just…"

Sirius grabbed his hands. "Remus," he said solemnly, "I love your body. No matter what it looks like, I'll love it just the same. Because it's yours." Sirius pressed a quick kiss to his temple. "And hey, we'll get those hormones soon. We'll get enough money."

Remus frowned. "I keep wondering if sometimes, who we wish we were, what we wish we could do… it's just not meant to be."

Sirius wrapped his arms around his lover's shoulders, pulling him close. "You're not wishing you were anything. You are a bloke. Simple as that. And if others can't see it, then, well, that's their problem."

"That's easy for you to say," Remus argued. "You've always known exactly who you are."

"Not always, love," Sirius murmured. "I've just always known my gender."

Remus pressed his face into the pillow, arching away from Sirius. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."

It was hard to tell in the dark, but Remus was fairly sure that Sirius' features softened. "And I'm sorry for shouting at you. I know that it's hard for you sometimes, and I just… I get frustrated that I can't always help."

Remus put his head against Sirius' chest. "I know. I only want to prove…"

"Your masculinity," Sirius finished. "I know. It only makes sense, after everything you've had to live through."

They were silent for a moment, and Remus had almost drifted to sleep when Sirius said, "Tell you what. Tomorrow we'll go to the cinema—a proper date, just you and me. It'll be fun, and we can put all of this behind us."

Remus smiled sleepily. "I'd like that."

"Good. Remus?"

"Yeah?"

"I stormed out before I checked that you were okay. What's hurting?"

Remus couldn't help it—he laughed.

Sirius looked affronted. "What?"

"I'm fine, love. I little banged up, a little sore, but fine."

Sirius snorted. "Yeah, right. I'm turning the light on. You need a proper examination—I doubt Potter was thorough enough."

"Sirius, _no._ It's too early—"

Sirius kissed him, and Remus' protests died.

* * *

Remus heard the motorbike before he saw it.

He ran outside of the cafe where he worked, finally finished with his shift, James on his heels. He loved the crunchy, brittle sound of the red and yellow leaves breaking underfoot as he ran out to meet his lover, excited for their night together.

"Sirius!" James called out, laughing. "Remus didn't tell me you'd be riding that monstrosity over here."

Sirius slid gracefully off the bike, grinning widely. "You wound me, James. This is a beauty."

James snorted. "Yeah, sure. A beautiful safety violation."

Remus laughed. "It's not that bad, James. Just because Sirius built it himself doesn't mean it's unsafe."

James clapped him on the back, their hazel eyes sparkling behind their glasses. "Good ol' Remus. Always looking for the best in people. Or machines."

Sirius pulled Remus away from James, planting a kiss on his cheek. "James, you may be my best mate, but Remus has my time tonight. I'll just have to get back at you later."

James grinned. "You two go have fun. Call me when you're finished, yeah? Lily wants to meet up later."

Sirius and Remus agreed, then said goodbye to their friend. Sirius drove them to the cinema, and as the two took their seats, Remus thought that things might be finally looking up.

Until halfway through the film.

"Hey, Black," someone from behind them whispered. "Nice bird you got there."

Remus stiffened, and Sirius glanced over his shoulder. "You blind? This is my lover. And he's a damn sight nicer than you, that's for sure."

The man laughed, and Remus recognized him as Rodolphus Lestrange—an old classmate of his, and an ex-relative of Sirius'. "That's Lupin, isn't it? My brother and I went to school with her."

Remus turned around for the first time, fire in his eyes. " _Him,"_ he corrected quietly. "You went to school with _him._ "

They were getting annoyed looks, and Remus smiled apologetically. Sirius was half-out of his seat, and he tugged his boyfriend back down. "He's not worth it," he hissed. "Just watch the film. Please."

It almost worked.

"That's right, Black. Listen to your girl—and don't worry, I'll be sure to tell your father all about—"

There was a sickening _crack_ , and Remus turned to see Sirius' fist raised and Lestrange clutching his nose. Rodolphus quickly retaliated, and then the two men were just trading punches as Remus stood there, shocked. People were staring in horror, and Remus snapped out of it and grabbed his boyfriend's arm, dragging him out of the theater and the fight before they could be kicked out.

Remus' blood was boiling. The scene had been embarrassing, but he was mostly just upset that Sirius had so quickly gone against his wishes. This was his secret to deal with, and he was the only one who got to call these kinds of shots. If Lestrange had hit first, then he would have understood—but Sirius had thrown the first blow.

His boyfriend seemed to sense the storm brewing within his partner, because he didn't say anything as they walked. Remus didn't care—Sirius was right to think he was in trouble.

Once they were outside, the cool night air nipping at their faces, Sirius hesitantly spoke.

"Remus… I'm—"

"Get on the bike, Sirius," Remus interrupted, exhausted. His rage had been replaced with a weariness that he had never felt before, and he didn't want to address it right then. He just wanted to go home. He ran a hand over his face. "Just get on the bike and take us home."

* * *

Remus was sitting at their kitchen table, listening to James and Sirius' conversation in the next room. A mug of tea was growing cold in his hands, but he paid it no mind. He'd called James to tell them that they couldn't meet up tonight, and James had rushed over to make sure everything was okay—judging from what Remus had heard so far, the two friends weren't really getting anywhere.

"Sirius, he's upset because you punched the guy when he asked you not to."

"What was I supposed to do? Let Lestrange get away with insulting him?"

"If that's what he wanted, then yes. You can't understand what this feels like, Sirius. Sometimes we just don't want to make a big deal out of things. He'd corrected the guy once, and Lestrange didn't listen, so he was willing to just ignore him and finish the date. You should have taken his lead."

There was a loud thump—Sirius must have punched the wall. "He's my boyfriend! I wasn't just about to let someone say those things about him."

James' voice was impatient as he yelled, "And in doing so, you outed him to the entire room!"

It was silent then. Remus closed his eyes and sighed softly. He stood up and walked over to the door, ready to go in and say goodnight to the two people inside; he felt like turning in early.

"Damn me, James."

At these words, Remus paused, listening closely. He'd never heard Sirius sound so tired, so ashamed.

"I never thought about the others in the room. I forget sometimes that he'd rather take a few hurtful words than let strangers in on... " He heard Sirius sigh. "I do some dumb things, and the people I love the most—they pay the price."

Remus felt terrible. He knew that Sirius didn't understand fully how he felt, but Remus had been treating the situation like he could. He walked into the room, sending a smile James' way. Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius, whose back was to him, chuckling a bit when the other man jumped in surprise.

"Thanks for coming over James," he murmured, "but I can take it from here."

They nodded, patting his back sympathetically as they walked out. Once the door had closed, Remus circled around until he was facing his lover.

"We need to talk," he said lowly.

Sirius collapsed into the nearest chair, dropping his head into his hands. "I know I messed up, Remus. And I'm sorry. So, so sorry. I just… I got so mad at him that I didn't consider the consequences."

Remus walked quickly into the bathroom, where Sirius kept his hairbrush. He then stood behind the other man and tugged his hair from its bun. Gently, he ran the brush through it, smiling when he saw the tension drain from Sirius' shoulders at his actions.

"I'm not saying what you did was okay," Remus said slowly, "but I'm not mad at you anymore either. This is something we have to learn to work through. I know that there will be challenges, but I don't want you to use your fists to solve them."

Sirius nodded. "I… I know. Remus, I'm sorry. I want to stand up for you, but I just—I don't know how, sometimes. I just keep ruining things."

Remus leaned over Sirius' shoulder, then pecked him on the cheek. "That's okay. There are things we both have to get used to." He came around and sat on the arm of the chair, resting his hand on Sirius' shoulder. "I guess I'll just have to get used to you jumping to my defense… and you'll have to learn that we can't win every fight."

After a long moment, Sirius nodded. "Yes. All right." He laughed a little. "We'll compromise."

Remus smiled and stood up to leave, but Sirius grabbed his hand. "I want you to be happy. I'm sorry that it's you suffering through all of this. I want more for you."

Remus scoffed. "Who wants a life of prosperity? All I need is you. Being accepted by you is enough, Sirius."

Sirius frowned. "Is it though?"

Remus sighed and knelt in front of him. "I won't lie and say that I don't want those hormones. But even if I never get them, I'll be happy with you. You're more important."

Sirius pulled him close and kissed him gently. "Just know that I love you… no matter what you look like. It's _you_ I fell in love with, after all."

Remus' voice was soft. "I know." His amber eyes widened, and he ran to the kitchen, then came back holding a wet cloth. "Hold still," he instructed a confused Sirius. "I nearly forgot you split your lip."

Sirius let out a bark-like laugh as Remus began dabbing at the injury, and only a few well-placed kisses could silence him.

They weren't perfect. But Remus had confidence that, one day, they could be pretty damn close.

 **A/N: Prompts:**

 **Writing Club:**

 **Character Appreciation: 6. (item) motorbike (Sirius is featured)**

 **Disney Challenge: Dialogue 5. "Sometimes, who we wish we were, what we wish we could do, it's just not meant to be."**

 **Lizzy's Loft: 8. Thomas Sanders — Write about a non-binary character (10 point bonus)**

 **Book Club: Khalil — (relationship) best friends, (dialogue) "Good ol' [name]. Always looking for the best in people.", (object) hairbrush**

 **Showtime: 5. To Life — (word) prosperity**

 **Amber's Attic: 9. Beetlejuice — write about trying to scare someone**

 **Lyric Alley: 6. When I go out with you**

 **Ami's Audio Admirations: 6. Lup — write about a trans character (bonus)**

 **Emy's Emporium: 3. Jumping in piles of autumn leaves — (word) crunchy**

 **Bex's Basement: 20. Ant Man and the Wasp — (dialogue) "I do some dumb things, and the people I love the most—they pay the price."**

 **Film Festival: 25. (setting) Cinema**

 **Fantastic Beasts:**

 **3\. Vampire — (word) blood; 5. Angola — (restriction) no characters above the age of 24**


End file.
